Last year I started a podcast around this time and one of my first posts was about dealing with the holiday season when you are chronically ill, or if you like — depressed, grieving, anxious, sick, tired and sick and tired.
It’s a tough time of year for a lot of us and now the rest of the world gets to join in. After this pandemic, we are seeing so many economic problems, that it seems the holidays are going to be challenging for not just those of us with chronic illnesses, but for everyone.
As I have mentioned in previous blogs and podcast episodes, we see all the decorations, fun commercials with people opening gifts and sitting at a table with tons of food and happy smiles and we find ourselves unable to relate. Who is missing from our table this year that makes our smile go away? How many people are choosing to pay the rent and mortgage over buying gifts and presents. How many people can’t afford a table full of food?
For those of us who deal with living sick, mentally and/or physically, this has been our challenge year after year. How to have a “happy” holiday in the midst of misery, lack or limitation. And the answer is this: You can have whatever holiday you want to have. It doesn’t have to be happy or jolly or fun. You don’t have to make a turkey or stuffing or have pumpkin pie.
The year my grandma died, my mother and I were not feeling very festive, so we decided to sleep in on Christmas and then went into the city to see a play. It remains one of my favorite Christmases to date. There was no tinsel, no turkey, no extravagance and no house full of people. It was simple, distracting and dare I say a little fun. We defied tradition, while Elphaba, the green witch in Wicked, defied gravity.
If staying home and ordering Chinese food and watching Netflix is more fun than being with family or more affordable for you, then do that. Or have a potluck celebration where everyone brings something.
If you are going to be alone, find a way to make yourself feel comforted. Maybe it’s staying in bed watching a favorite movie or maybe it’s going to a movie theater. Maybe it’s spending some time on Zoom with a friend or family member in a different state or maybe it’s calling a mental health support line. Do what you need to do.
The idea is that we don’t have to force ourselves to be happy because the season changes. We also don’t want to wallow in negativity either. We are accepting that life is what is, that sometimes we can’t change things, though we wish we could and then we go from there, taking the next step to do something that feels good or offers us a temporary distraction. Then, we get up tomorrow and do it again, until hopefully, we find ourselves in a better place.
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Whenever I start seeing red, (pun intended) I get it down on paper. So here we go…
The past few weeks I have been forced to confront the fact that I have developed another disorder – Republican Intolerance. It’s pretty bad. So bad infact, that it might be untreatable…AND permanent.
It all started when I began looking for a house to rent in Florida for a few months. I got the name of a realtor who does long-term rentals and was trying to figure out a polite way to tell her that if I had to rent a home in neighborhood with a bunch of Trumpians/Republicans, I’d feed myself to the gators.
She kindly told me that, “It was not that bad” and that she was a lesbian who did not care for Trump, but her wife supports him along with their many friends. (Insert indignant emoji here)
It took everything in me not to tell her how many things were wrong with what she had just told me. I tried not to use obscenities and hang up on her. “Well, thank you so much,” I said. “I have your number. No need to call me. I’ll call you. Bye now.”
On to YouTube. I figured there might be some good information on there about places to live in Florida that weren’t cult territory. Reading the comments on a video titled, “10 Reasons for New Yorkers to Move to Florida” was eye opening. “Please stay in NY and kiss Cuomo’s ass,” one person wrote. Another, “I’m black, gay, Republican and can’t wait to get my first fire arm.” Again, I practiced restraint in almost telling him his party hates him and wants him dead. Seriously, dude, have you been watching the news lately? And lastly, “We don’t want New Yorkers down here turning our state blue.” Seems like the intolerance was mutual. (Crosses Florida off of the list as potential places to live)
Moving on to a person who decided to utter the words to me, “Biden is ruining this country!” My heart started pounding, my stomach twisted – I could feel my insides shifting as if I were about to turn green like the Incredible Hulk. I lost my shit. “What is he ruining?! He’s been in office less than 100 days and has already done more than that fat orange prick you voted for! What is it that you don’t like? Covid relief? Competency in leadership? Someone who respects The Constitution? Truth-telling? Job creation? Solid infrastructure?” Then the ringing in my ears started and I no longer could hear what I was saying. It was like an outer body experience.
I, like so many other Americans, have become Republican Intolerant. Being in short proximity to a right-wing crazy, causes me to have explosive outbursts. Listening to them speak will cause me to spew flames and levitate out of my body. As far as I know, there is no cure for it.
All joking aside, after being lied to, cheated and screwed for many years by the former leader of the free world who led an insurrection against our capitol, on top of a global pandemic that was severely mismanaged, causes what many people know as the anxiety disorder PTSD. The world has become a traumatizing place and Republicans are not doing anything to help the situation. They make it worse.
There is a saying that goes, “Show me who your friends are and I will show you who you are.” And it’s usually true. I have said many times that our politics inform who we are and what decisions we make. So, show me who you voted for, continue to support and I will tell you what kind of person you are. People say don’t talk about politics and religion, yet these two things can tell you so much about who a person is.
The far right, who usually are self-proclaimed “Christians,” are delusional liars who want to build a shrine to Trump and stuff their pockets with tons of money while our country goes down the drain. There is no regard for their oath to protect and defend the constitution – there is no constitution for them. They are the law. Trump is the law. Another black person dies senselessly and they don’t care. Another mass shooting and nobody bats an eye.
They hate the LGBTQ community, trying to deny us our rights at every turn. They want to defund healthcare that benefits people with disabilities and the elderly and the underprivileged. They are horrible people. But wait a minute, how can you say that you might say? You don’t know me. Well, I looked at who you say you are. I look at what you voted for, what you support – what you say you think is good. I see the way you ignore suffering and perpetuate it. I hear your lies. I see your willful ignorance and willingness to turn a blind eye at the expense of your neighbor. Pretty self-explanatory. Oh, yes, and I don’t get my information from Fox News.
I wish I could find a cure for my Mast Cell Activation Syndrome. I hope there is a cure for diabetes in my lifetime. I pray to be cured of food allergies. I don’t really care if I am ever cured of my Republican Intolerance, though. I don’t think we should tolerate hatred, bigotry, compulsive lying, senseless murder, a disregard for the poor and unfortunate and sick. I think developing Republican Intolerance is maybe a sign that we are still alive and still striving for the good in the world. I disagree that we all can or should unify. Some things cannot be united. Those seeking a dictatorship should leave our democratic country and live in Russia. Not try to overthrow our government and shit all over our Constitution. Rather than unify, we should expel the waste of this country. The people who just cause suffering and hardship year after year, while collecting large salaries and a hefty benefits package – removing those who take up seats in our government but do nothing with them but benefit themselves. I believe only then will we be able to start to heal the deep wounds of this country. Only then can we ease our PTSD.
This is not a rant on how the Democratic Party is better and superior. I’m questioning why, in a free country where you can be anything, why be a Republican?
Marina Berzins McCoy’s new book, The Ignatian Guide to Forgiveness, may be one of the best resources for spiritual health available to people who are wounded. I have read various books on forgiveness over the years (We always need help with that, don’t we?) and will probably continue reading books about it. We will need to keep reading about forgiveness and working on it, because it is not simple and the subject forces us to confront difficult truths. Just because Jesus tells us in no uncertain terms to forgive does not mean this is an easy command to obey. Actually, I don’t recall the Bible ever saying that it’s easy or simple to follow God’s way; I guess we superimpose our desires on Scripture in this and many other ways. We fret and fight the reality that forgiveness is complicated and difficult.
Forgiveness also messes with time, which is an aspect of forgiveness that Marina handles so well in her book.
Until we reconcile ourselves to the fact of spiritual timelessness, we will be consistently frustrated with not only forgiveness but also other facets of spiritual growth. With God, everything is present tense and eternal. Time does not put restrictions on the Holy Spirit, who works through our every experience of time: past, present, and future.
Also—and this is really important—Divine Love is not anxious about time. In fact, I suspect that Divine Love is never in a hurry either, because God holds everything in mercy, and the will of God’s love will never give up on us. So if it takes me a lifetime to recover from some horrible wrong done to me, God is not anxious over this. Nor does God condemn me for this slow unfolding. As long as I am working with the Holy Spirit and allowing love’s process to take place in me, Divine Love is pleased. God is not surprised by how slowly I progress or how easily I become tripped up or stuck. Love overcomes all of this.
God’s love works outside of space and time, which is good for us, because probably every person leaves this life with wounds unhealed and spiritual growth still in progress. Our life with God is not static but living and evolving—inside and outside of time—as we become more and more who God created us to become.
One of the hardest truths about forgiveness is that the future after forgiveness often does not look much like anyone’s ideas about it. We might, for example, imagine that once forgiveness and reconciliation arrive, we will go back to some past time—perhaps real only in our fantasies. Alternatively, we may try to determine what the future looks like by placing restrictions on what forgiveness might look like or on what shape or form healing must have. Sometimes we have to let go of the past and let go of the future if we are to see where God is leading us in the present moment. (82)
For me, learning to live in the present has also meant making friends with time. Part of me can still sometimes resist the very notion that the past is not subject to being relived and “done over” again, only this time without mistakes. . . . But while God gives us the gift of forgiveness, this does not come in the form of an infinite number of do-overs. Sometimes our spouses, friends, parents, and children do give us a real chance to try again, this time in the right way. When this happens, it is a great blessing. But we cannot always keep pushing the rewind button and trying again. For this we should be thankful; otherwise, life might never move forward at all! (85–86)
We need to forgive and be forgiven, because wrong has been done. We do damage, and that damage is not undone. Sin has its effects. Jesus returned in a resurrected body that still bore its scars. The wounds of his Crucifixion were not undone, and the wounds we cause or suffer are not undone either. But we continue our transformation anyway.
May we consider forgiveness an experience that is continuing and unlimited. Perhaps then we can be patient with it and yet never cease to engage with it.
On last week’s podcast, I talked about how our limitations are not something to be ashamed of, but are part of our humanity — things we need to accept or embrace. Society is often unaccepting of things like limitations.
Another unpopular trait is vulnerability. And, I believe, in order to be truly accepting of our limitations, we need to be vulnerable. It is what makes us real and authentic. It gives people a candid look into our souls, so yeah, it can be really uncomfortable, but it has the ability to enhance all of our relationships. It adds color to our experience.
How often do we say to someone, “Hey, I like you” or ” You know, today I am feeling sad. You see, my mother passed away a few months ago and I’m having a really hard time today.” How about, “I feel ashamed of the weight I’ve gained.” How many times in the past year have you told a friend or loved one that you really enjoyed their company or admire them for x,y,z? Have you ever disclosed to a trusted friend or coworker that you struggle with depression or anxiety? These things would be considered being vulnerable.
Understandably, we want to be careful who we are vulnerable with. Not everyone is a good person to reveal our sore spots to. Some people can be cruel or irresponsible with the information we give them, not being mindful of our privacy. But in general, there are many ways to be vulnerable that do not leave us open to harm…..well, other than maybe a bruised ego.
We also wouldn’t go around telling everyone our deepest, darkest secrets and feelings as it would be inappropriate to do so. Nor do we want to be “whiney” and overbearing with our emotions.
Vulnerability is like a spice. Just as seasonings bring our food to life and makes them tasty and fun to eat, so vulnerability can add zest and zing to our lives and relationships. But if we overuse it, it can make everything…”yucky.” Too much of a good thing is, well, too much.
Author Brené Brown describes vulnerability like this:
So, ask someone out, tell a loved one how much they mean to you and why, open up about your feelings and emotions to those around you. You might feel awkward or exposed, because you are — but it will get easier and it could lead to something wonderful happening.
Much love,
Stephen XO
Latest podcast episode can be found here and on most streaming platforms.
Sometimes animals can be very helpful and therapeutic in helping us deal with our chronic illness. However, on the flip side, they can also add a great deal of stress to your life if you are not ready or capable of caring for it.
Thanksgiving will be different this year. As I write this, in early November, the United States is experiencing a new and frightening spike in the number of confirmed COVID-19 cases, along with a rising number of deaths due to the virus. My husband and I will not be traveling to sit at table with family. As we have done for months, we will love our loved ones from a distance.
These months of shutdown and relative isolation have prepared me for the cherishing and the awe named by Christopher de Vinck when he writes, “Cherish what is simple. Be in awe of what is great.” (The Center Will Hold) My busy city life has become simplified: no riding public transportation several days a week; shopping is limited to groceries and some online purchases; we have dared to eat out just a few times at one or two places that maintained strict rules for preventing virus spread—no more running to a favorite place because one of us doesn’t feel like cooking. No more concerts or lively walks downtown—which is like a ghost town these days.
Simplifying
Our life is contained in our home, with the two of us, two dogs, and two cats. Our “going out” this summer meant long evenings on the back porch, which unexpectedly morphed into a retreat space. Although I’ve always enjoyed my moments of sitting in our small backyard, these past months have helped me hone that ability to cherish what is simple and right in front of me.
You may not have a porch or a yard. You may live alone, which makes such shutdown times even harder. But there exist in your life some simple pleasures, and you can celebrate them as this non-traditional Thanksgiving approaches. Perhaps you have photos and other memorabilia to help you celebrate past joys and past/present relationships. It’s likely that you have learned how to meet others through digital media—and you’ve discovered that it’s quite a nice way to spend time with people who cannot be in the room with you. Maybe you’ve learned to cook—or to cook with more joy and creativity than before. Some of us have finally had time to read the books we didn’t have time for before. Or we decided to get busy with a new hobby. Or we started a new ministry in the midst of the needs all around us.
Gratitude and Awe
Earlier this week, I drove my husband to the entrance of a hospital so he could be tested for COVID, in preparation for a procedure he’s having soon. We pulled into the semi-circular drive and were greeted by hospital personnel, all dressed up in their PPE. They were calm, friendly, gave clear directions, and handled the work quickly and efficiently. They acted as if they had spent their careers reaching through open car windows to swab people’s nasal passages—all of it outside exam rooms, with everyone wearing masks. These healthcare workers simply carried on and reassured us as they did so. I was in the driver’s seat, weeping. Weeping with gratitude and awe at what the healthcare workers in this country have done for months, day after day, serving the rest of us, taking care of us, carrying the brunt of this horrible pandemic.
What’s happening in the world on so many fronts is too big to grasp, to make sense of, or to understand in any satisfying way. God does not ask us to understand what is huge and frightening and outside our control. God simply asks that we hold in awe the divine love that continues to hold the world together. This divine love meets us in our private prayer, as the Holy Spirit speaks with us and comforts us. This divine love meets us in hospital driveways in the form of healthcare professionals doing their jobs. This divine love shows up in the various organizations around the world that have shown incredible innovation to provide food for people out of work and out of chances. It shows up in neighborhood programs that have sprung up spontaneously to meet the challenges of this time—neighbors checking on one another to be sure they are well and have the food and other things they need. Divine love shows up in the musicians, artists, actors, writers, designers—and so many others who have offered their work to us virtually, just to help us all keep going.
May we stand in awe of how the heart of this universe continues to beat and how we keep learning how to love one another and dwell with grace in our lives.
Cherish what is simple. Be in awe of what is great. That’s a pretty good plan.
Vinita Hampton Wright serves as managing editor of the trade books department of Loyola Press. She has written various fiction and non-fiction books, including the novel Dwelling Places with HarperOne, Days of Deepening Friendship and The Art of Spiritual Writing for Loyola Press, and most recently, Small Simple Ways: An Ignatian Daybook for Healthy Spiritual Living. Vinita is a student and practitioner of Ignatian spirituality, and from 2009 to 2015 she blogged at Days of Deepening Friendship. For the past few years, she has co-led small groups through the 19th Annotation of the Spiritual Exercises. She lives in Chicago with her husband, three cats, and a dog. In her “spare” time these days, she is working on her next novel.
The holidays can be a tough time for people with a chronic illness. Obviously, this year will be different because of the pandemic. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family this holiday season for a happy and healthy celebration, for those that will be celebrating.
If you have anxiety and you also are really concerned about the state of our country, this week was likely not a good week for you. I know it wasn’t for me. The cliffhanger experience of finding out who was going to lead our country into the future was excruciating.
Personally, I believe that there was really only ONE option this election for reasons I won’t get into here. But I will say that I have breathed a collective sigh of relief along with the other half of the country.
I felt the pride of being an American again after watching president-elect, Joe Biden, give his acceptance speech in front of the nation Saturday night. He repeatedly mentioned the mandate he felt to help the American people and the one thing that really struck a chord with me, that stood out most, was his promise to help the disabled community. We are often the most overlooked community. We severely lack sufficient advocacy in our government to create legislation that protects our rights and expands our potential as contributing members of society.
Many in our community are living on the poverty line. Disability checks, if you are lucky enough to make it through the extremely complicated and harrowing system of getting approved, barely cover the essentials of daily living. In many states, companies are not required to make special accommodations for people with disabilities under law — accommodations such as, working from home, working flexible hours and having access to resources in the workplace to help them do their jobs more efficiently. So many talented people fall through the cracks. So many who are just looking for a chance to shine, get overlooked. “That’s all they’re asking for,” Biden said. “A fair shot to succeed.” That’s all any of us are asking for – equal opportunity.
Disabled people also face exorbitant medical fees for things not covered under insurance. It’s not uncommon for many of us to live in debt. The Affordable Care Act has helped minimize this to an extent, but it is nowhere near a perfect system and desperately needs reform. I am looking forward to seeing what this new administration is going to do to help my community. I look forward in hope and trust, because I believe that we are entering a new era of compassion, honesty and integrity from our government.
Those of us who live with disabilities and chronic illnesses are Americans. We deserve dignity and respect and a fair shot.
I decided to resurrect the podcast for this week's election results because I know many of you are worn out and worried. I am with you. I go on a tangent about my disgust and depression, but also I wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this. We need to stick together. Thinking of all of you chronically ill people out there who don't need anything else to worry about but this week you just got a whole lot more dumped in your lap. It's not fair or right and it's going to be a long four years. Whenever we can, we're going to remind ourselves to do something small to make a difference.
Stephen Fratello 