I’m sure that you’ve heard the new “diry word” going around in today’s faith communities. The D-word. Deconstruction. Yes, the sound of it ruffles feathers and makes eyes roll – understandably so. There are a lot of negative connotations associated with the deconstructing process.
The first thing that surprised me about deconstructing was that so many people thought this was a new and dangerous undertaking that one decides to go through, rather than something we all inevitably wind up doing at some point in our adult lives if we are honest.
I went through 8 years of Catholic grade school. Years later, after high school, I had moments where I questioned all I learned in church and in Catholic school. I questioned God and doctrines and my own faith. I wondered if God was personal, loving and able to help me overcome things like depression, anxiety, substance abuse and chronic unemployment. If God was really powerful and loved me, then why would He let me go through this? And was God a He? Could I be gay and Christian? I explored these questions and more, in and out of community. I found a spiritual director. Actually, I found many. I got myself into therapy. I read books from the mystics, saints and philosophers. I joined safe spaces that let me explore my faith in all its complexities and I found out that others were doing exactly the same thing. I was not alone.
So, that’s why it came as a surprise to me that some people see deconstructing as this controversial thing. We’ve all been doing it in some form or another throughout our lives. We humans are prone to doubt, fear and uncertainty. We’ve all experienced deep loss and trauma and we seek answers. We may wonder if our faith is enough to sustain us through the dark times.
For some, they can run the risk of throwing out the baby with the bathwater. Faith becomes something that must be explained by science and have neat and tidy answers, otherwise, it’s not worth believing in. For these people, surety and certitude become the goals. Everything has to make sense and fit into the right box. This, I believe, is where deconstruction takes a turn for the worst. The truth is, we will never have all the answers this side of life. Not everything will make sense and life will often confuse us and bring us to our knees in grief. God will remain somewhat elusive, and we can let that evoke a sense of awe and wonder in us or we can fight against it and demand answers. Admittedly, the latter is going to seem more attractive most of the time.
I should mention that many of us have been abused. Spiritual abuse is a real thing and can drain a person’s soul. We need time to heal and find our way, but we also have to remember that the people who abused us do not represent God’s love and so we shouldn’t blame God for what broken people did to us.
Deconstruction is not a dirty word. It means we are real enough to ask questions and explore our doubt. We lose faith and we gain it. We go through moments in our lives where we don’t feel God’s presence and we question everything we’ve been taught about our faith. This is all normal. Dark nights of the soul are nothing new and we may experience many in our lifetime. It doesn’t mean that we did something wrong or that everything we’ve learned about God is a sham. It is important to do away with unhelpful beliefs about God, ourselves and the world. If you find that you can longer stay in your church community, that is okay. It’s fine to leave and take a break temporarily or permanently. It’s important that you feel safe and welcomed no matter where you are on your journey and no matter who you are.
Remain prayerful. Stay the course. Bring your doubts and fears to God or to the God you no longer believe in. Just keep showing up. Faith is called faith for a reason. There are some things we are going to have to accept as a mystery. The only enemy you will face in this process is the need to understand and explain everything logically. You will never be able to do this. Nobody wishes that this wasn’t the truth more than me, but it is.
And lastly, remember that God is in the deconstruction process. The process is never meant to get you to do away with God and your faith and spirituality, but rather, to help you grow into a healthier one.
Some people become atheists, which I don’t think is the place that we should end our deconstruction. Others dabble in different religions. I studied Buddhism and Taoism. It was interesting to learn about these traditions, but the truth is, Christianity is such a rich tradition, full of so many treasures, that we can study it our whole lifetime and still have more to learn. So, learn the faith tradition that you critique. It’s always good to know the tradition you are deconstructing really well, so you can do it really well.
I will leave you with this…
I have been through devastatingly dark times, abusive relationships, a dysfunctional childhood, multiple chronic illnesses, depression and the loss of my ability to work full time and support myself. So, why am I still a Christian? Well, the first reason is that I’ve learned you don’t become a Christian to escape hard times. The second, is that Jesus chose me. I find myself pursued by Him. I have tried to walk away a few times, and yet each time I found myself being found by Him. It’s something I can’t quite explain, which is what we often call faith.
Deconstruction or whatever name you want to give it, is something that is an ongoing process. We are never done. I am still finding new questions to ask and new doubts to wrestle with each year that goes by.
My prayers go with you on your journey.
Stephen Fratello 