Gratitude has taken on a certain connotation. Many people think of gratitude as a sense of happiness and thankfulness for life’s pleasures both big and small. Usually it’s associated with something “positive.”But what if we find that we are grateful for things that maybe we don’t think we should be? What if we are grateful that we don’t think about unhealthy relationships with people from our past as much as we used to? What if we are thankful that a person is no longer a part of our lives and that we no longer miss them?
Possibly you find that you are grateful that you got fired from that job for whatever reason. Or maybe you are thankful that your divorce is finalized or that your roommate moved out and you can finally have some space.
I have had extremely complicated and often toxic relationships with certain members of my family. Some of them are now deceased and while I feel sad that those relationships will never be healed or rectified, and that those people died without making an effort to fix what was broken by their doing, I am grateful that I no longer have to to deal with those situations.
One day I was in the store buying cards for people because of an upcoming holiday. Usually, I catch myself smiling when picking out funny cards or cards that express beautiful emotions of love and affection. But other times, searching for the “right card” for someone in your family that you have a complicated relationship with can be very taxing. I suddenly realized that I no longer had to worry about endlessly searching for cards for people in my family that were really unkind and hurtful to me. I would be overwhelmed with feelings of anxiety, stress, anger and flashbacks of painful memories whenever I had to pick out a card for these people. I would be reminded of how selfish they were and how I would never have a normal relationship with them. But that is over now and I am grateful.
Sometimes guilt can accompany feelings of gratitude for situations like these. We think to ourselves that we shouldn’t feel that way or that we are heartless people for thinking such things. No, we are often times trying to process trauma, pain and navigate a world where people that were supposed to love us did damage to us instead.
Truthfully, my deepest wish would have been to have everything be healed and made new — a fresh start where amends were made and healing could have taken place. But that didn’t happen. What happened is what happened and I am grateful that part of it is now over.
Gratitude can take on many forms. I always believed that you cannot force true gratitude. It’s a gift. Be grateful for the gift of gratitude even if you find it in some complicated and unexpected places.
Since the start of this pandemic loneliness has been skyrocketing to epidemic proportions, but loneliness is something that has always existed even before our world came crashing down in 2020. That feeling of having a deep ache and longing for connection and interaction is intrinsically part of the human condition. It is complicated to connect with people when our world is so fixated on technology — that while can be useful in bringing us together through mediums like Zoom and FaceTime, often only widens the chasm between us. Social media has replaced social connection. For the record I’m not one of those people that demonizes social media in an attempt to blame all of society’s woes on Facebook and Instagram. However, I would be remiss in not bringing up the many examples of how it has hurt our world more than has helped it. It’s rather unfortunate because social media does have the capacity to create community if used properly — and certainly there are examples of that as well.
Having a chronic illness can be very lonely. You don’t have to be completely alone in order to feel this loneliness, as often times, those of us who are sick are surrounded by many people that cannot imagine what it’s like to walk in our shoes or sleep in our beds. We feel that deep ache of being the only ones going through what we are going through. This is because more people doesn’t equal less loneliness. It’s the quality of people around you and their willingness and capacity to understand and empathize with you that can make the difference. Many of us can be in a room full of people and still feel alone. Many of us can have tons of friends and still feel like nobody really gets us…because the truth is, we need people in our lives who are able to connect with us on a more than basic and superficial level. In order to ease those lonely feelings, we need to know that we are heard and understood and valued by the people that mean the most to us. It has become increasingly more difficult to find these connections in a world that keeps separating and dividing and distracting humanity from the deepest cries of our soul.
There are no easy fixes to this problem in general, but even more difficult to rectify for those of us who are chronically ill. Friendships can be hard to find and cultivate and rarely come out of thin air. When they do come along, there are often challenges to navigate. How much do you reveal about your illness to a new friend? Will they be accepting of your limitations? I won’t even mention how difficult and complicated dating can be. I’ll save that for another post.
When I was diagnosed in my late 20s, many of my friends did not know how to handle the situation. Some of them just disappeared. It can be an extremely painful experience to watch relationships that have been built over time deteriorate and destruct over something you have no control over and it often leaves you wondering if you’ve ever really had a true friend to begin with.
The same situation can be said for family members as well. People in your family who you thought would always have your back and support you can become awkward and distant. In the worst case they can be very callous and cruel.
I mentioned chronic illness here because this is, after all, a Blog about chronic illness and I’m writing it from my perspective, but in reality, you may be perfectly healthy and will still relate to everything I’m saying. This is because loneliness is universal and not contingent on health or sickness.
Things have gotten so bad, that there are actually telephone numbers you can call if you are experiencing loneliness and anxiety. They are not suicide lines, although if you call with those feelings they will connect you to the right people. No, these are lines where you can call at 2 a.m. in the morning just to talk to an actual human being and tell them that you can’t sleep — that you’re stressed and lonely.
They say one is the loneliest number but is that always true? Let’s say you’re in a relationship with someone who’s very abusive and you walk away from that relationship. You may find yourself feeling able to breathe again. You may feel your soul beginning to open up and feel alive again. You may be alone but you’re not lonely.
I think as long as there are human beings there will always be loneliness. It’s a part of who we are. We come into this world alone and when we leave it, we can’t take anyone with us. But there are things we can do to minimize it. We can start talking to each other and really listening. We can start accepting people who are different than we are. We can learn to love ourselves in a healthy way so that we can love others in a more healthy way. Instead of using social media to feed our narcissism, we can use it to reach out to those who are marginalized or use it to inspire change and use it to educate and uplift. We can check on our neighbors. Literally. Do you know who your neighbors are? Have you ever taken the time to get to know them or to say hello and wait for a response? If you have, good for you. If you haven’t, maybe it’s time to start. You just might be surprised at what happens…
Numbers are an important part of our world. They assign value and give meaning to everything from our calendars to our bank statements. But what happens when we become obsessed with these numbers? For example, how many Instagram followers do I have or how many people liked my Facebook post? And what number is my podcast ranking this week? It seems I haven’t been able to escape these questions about numbers for the past few weeks.
I have a podcast and I started it because I wanted people to feel like someone else out there in the world had their back and understood them. I, like many others, suffer from a number of chronic illnesses. This can be difficult to manage and can make life very complicated and limited. It’s often helpful when we share our experiences with others so we don’t feel so alone in our tribulations. So that was the point of me starting the podcast.
Even though I’m a graduate of a technical school that teaches audio editing, engineering and voice over for radio and television, I have not worked in that industry in quite some time. It is a rapidly changing field in which equipment quickly becomes outdated and obsolete.
I decided to take a podcasting course online to brush up on my technical skills. It was absolutely fantastic. It was very user-friendly and I sped through the modules pretty quickly. At the completion of the course you’re invited to a podcasting community page. It’s sort of a support group for podcasters that are just starting out. Overall it was a really fun and stimulating experience, but when we got to the topic of marketing the podcast, I realized that I did not possess the same enthusiasm for numbers that my peers/classmates did. The focus intensely became on gaining listenership and all the work that goes into that. Now, let me add a sidebar here. I am completely aware of the fact that marketing is an essential part of any endeavor in which an individual wants to make money at or gain an audience. I’m also not against people trying to make a living or even trying to get rich from an art form. There are, on occasion, people who feel entitled and think that you should be throwing twenties and fifties at them every chance you get just because they decided to be artistic, which, is a big turnoff.
Back to podcasting…
It’s difficult to maintain authenticity and integrity in one’s work when the focus becomes solely on the numbers. The number of listeners and the number of subscribers and the number of downloads and the number of followers, ect. It can be exhausting and can really suck the fun out of a project. I understand the need for it and again, people need to make money and eat.
Here’s the issue I take with all of this, besides the fact that I’m not really a marketing person. The hard truth is that not everybody is going to have the number one podcast or the number one album or the number one book on the New York Times bestseller list. And guess what? That’s okay. That’s just the reality of it. There’s nothing wrong with you doing something because it’s your passion regardless of who is watching. Whatever happened to doing something just because it’s a part of who you are or because you want to reach a certain demographic to help them feel less alone or just for laughs? If you constantly equate yourself with a number and you count on that number to give you your value and self-worth, you will never be happy because the anxiety of looking over your shoulder at every turn to make sure there’s a crowd of people following you, will kill the joy out of what you intended to do in the first place. And a number does not define how successful you are. You define how successful you are. You get to decide what success means to you. It’s very important to keep in mind that we all are going to fail at some point, at something, and some of us will not make the cut in terms of the world’s standards.
I’ll tell you a quick story. There once was a sort of famous singer that I won’t name, that was playing an event in Asheville, North Carolina. They had forgotten to bring something that was really important and their personal assistant had happened to come down with the flu, so they decided to hop in their car and drive to the local Walmart with a few friends to get this particular product they needed. At the checkout line, the cashier happened to notice the singer and she gushed, “Oh my God, oh my God!, I heard you were playing in town and I wanted to get tickets but I couldn’t get a sitter for my daughter…I sing, too, you know,” she said nonchalantly. The famous singer replied, “Oh really, do you mind singing right now or will your manager get upset?” “Hell no, I’ll sing you a few songs!” There in the middle of Walmart, this cashier belted out Aretha Franklin, Jennifer Hudson and Whitney Houston songs absolutely effortlessly. The famous singer said, “Well, I can’t make any promises but I certainly can you get you heard by a few people.” She looked puzzled and said, “Babydoll, I sing for Jesus. I sing in my church on Sunday. I’m not looking for a record deal. I just wanted to let you know that I’m a singer too and I know the joy it brings to your soul when that music moves through you. It’s a really spiritual experience. I sing for God and I sing for myself and oh yeah maybe a few people here on the checkout line, too,” she chuckled.
Here was a woman working in retail that had an opportunity to maybe get a better gig. Some people may call her flat-out stupid. But she was just singing because singing is what she does. It was a gift that was given to her by God and in return she gives it back to Him and, from time to time, some lucky people that happen to get on her line. No, she’s not concerned with Instagram followers or Facebook likes or going viral. After all the commotion on the checkout line, she shared that she was actually going to school to be a nurse. She loved working at the hospital and singing songs to the patients to brighten their day.
So while being Taylor Swift might be really cool and it’s fun to imagine ourselves with millions and millions of dollars, what I learned is that it’s the small things in life that really make the biggest difference. You don’t have to have a number one hit record and be performing at the Grammy’s to be someone. You can perform on a Walmart checkout line, or you can perform in church or a hospital room for someone who is scared and just needs a comforting song to get them through the night.
I can’t tell you what to do with the gifts that you’ve been given. That’s for you to decide and pray about, but what I can tell you is that not everybody has to have the number one in front of their name in order to be successful or of value or of significance. It’s often the quiet ones, that sing their song in obscurity, that shine the brightest.
Sometimes (or often), the fatigue or pain of your illness means you aren’t able to leave your bed — and that’s OK. You’re taking care of your body while it gets the rest it needs. But, let’s be honest — it’s not easy to keep yourself entertained in bed all day, especially if you have a chronic illness that requires frequent stay-in-bed days
So, we asked our Mighty community to share what they do to keep themselves occupied while they’re too sick or in too much pain to leave bed. They revealed some creative (and relaxing) ideas that can help keep your mind busy without hurting your body. Share your own ideas in the comments below.
Here are the ideas they shared with us:
1. “Having to go from outdoor enthusiast and adventurer to being bedridden and having days filled with chronic pain and symptoms was terribly devastating. Something as simple as bird feeders out my windows has kept me in touch with nature and photographing visiting birds keeps me feeling useful. On difficult days, this disconnects me from being overwhelmed by chronic illness.”
2. “Netflix is my best friend. I’m always binge watching new shows. ‘How I Met Your Mother’ is my current indulgence. I’ve watched ‘Bones’ probably six times all the way through.”
3. “I studied biology at uni, so I pull out the textbooks I never read and learn something new. If it’s an old concept, I might go read some research papers on more recent discoveries. This, plus the documentaries section of Netflix makes it feel like I’ve done something productive (learning), even if I can’t move.”
4. “I decided to take up crochet. Turns out that I am actually pretty good at it. In the seven months since I started crocheting, I have designed and written multiple patterns, one of which has been downloaded around 50,000 times on Ravelry… Finding something creative to engage your mind is key to surviving the bad days with a positive mindset.”
5. “I edit pictures on my phone using tons of different apps. Photography is my passion, and I love editing pictures that I take and coming up with new designs to go with them. It’s really relaxing.”
6. “Knitting. I had a friend ask if I could knit the squares that could be sewn into blankets for domestic violence victims who have to leave with minimal belongings. So she donated the yarn. Knitting is my relaxant.”
7. “I’ve started trying watercolors. Found some cheap supplies at Michael’s. Got watercolor paper $5, watercolor paint $5 and watercolor brushes $5.”
8. “Get some good books, preferably ones with large font so you don’t get a headache along with the body pain.”
9. “In-bed yoga is something I love. It loosens up my joints and I really need that with fibromyalgia.”
10. “I love to blast music and write…with my furry companion. I write whatever I’m feeling sometimes poems or songs. Sometimes it’s just font work but it always helps, and gets out a lot of pent up feelings. The music choice also reflects the pain.”
11. “I think it’s really important to invite friends/family to come and sit with you even if it’s just to watch TV because you’re too tired to socialize. People sometimes ask what they can do to help and the biggest thing is helping us keep from being too isolated. We need company and socialization. Maybe even video chats would be a good idea!”
12. “I have begun sketching, it’s not only something to distract me but I’ve found some great satisfaction from doing something that produces an end product, so I can look at it and see I have at least achieved something.”
13. “I get on social media and congratulate people who achieved goals, encourage those who are trying, and tell people they are beautiful. Lifting up others always makes me feel better.”
14. “Reading cheesy teen fantasy lit. They’re mindless and formulaic enough that you can still follow the story even if you’re distracted by pain and/or on some righteous meds that don’t quite knock you out, but interesting enough that you’re entertained for a few hours.”
15. “I love my Flutter and Flutter: Starlight apps for when I’m stuck in bed all day. They’re like a butterfly garden at your fingertips and there’s always something to do on the app. Very calming as well!”
16. “My awake hours are spent perusing Asos and Beauty Bay, putting together outfits for after I have heart surgery. It sounds like nothing, but for the short time I’m awake, it helps.”
17. “I color. A lot. Lots of books and even way more pens/pencils. Sometimes I tell myself just an hour or two but before I know it the whole day has slipped by and I’m still coloring.”
18. “I would say hobbies that you can find at the front of any Barnes and Noble store. Knitting, plate decorating, origami, painting, cooking, model building, card making, wreath making, etc. I even play with kids toys because I have a young daughter but it helps me as well. I find Play-doh, kinetic sand, and coloring and spin art is a great de-stressor and relaxer.”
19. “I’ve just started a three-month free trial of Audible. Really enjoying ‘reading’ without the fatigue actual reading causes.”
20. “I look for online deals for items to help homeless people. I am slowly (as I have a very low income through SSD) making kits to give homeless people. The kits will have some needs as well as some ‘fun/want’ items that I’m sure they rarely get.”
21. “I’ve gamed since I was 3 years old for pain, it’s so immersive and distracting, and became a huge hobby for me to be a character or avatar that was like me, without my pain or illness, and it made things easier to cope with.”
22. “Duolingo, it’s an app to learn new languages in a game format.”
23. “Listen to podcasts! There are podcasts for every taste. And, as a bonus, some hosts’ voices put me peacefully to sleep.”
24. “I enjoy YouTube a lot. Makeup tutorials especially. I play in my makeup a lot trying to duplicate the things I watch. I just sit up in bed. Or sit in a chair in front of my mirror if I’m having a good day.”
25. “Never hurts to try to learn more. Choose a random Wikipedia entry and start reading. Wikipedia is fun because you can often start on one topic and easily find yourself on another topic far far away.”
Stephen Fratello 